Home Alone 3 (1997)

I thought tonight, being I think last time we looked at the most depressing movie I could find, we would look at some slapstick.

John Hughes, late, great: known for such things as Home Alone 1 and 2, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and of course, The Breakfast Club (note to self: make a post regarding why I don't like that movie). And....*drum roll* Home Alone 3.

Home Alone 3 came at a point, where honestly, I don't think JH cared anymore, he was already rich from his many works with Molly Ringwald, and HA3 proves he no longer cared.

I will say, the first Home Alone, I wouldn't go as far to say that it's the best children's film of all time, but it ranks in my personal top 5 children's film, and the second, while not near as good as the first, still ranks in the top 10. HA3 doesn't even make the cut (and if you've seen it, I think the reasons are obvious), however, HA3 and HA4 happen to be guilty pleasures of mine (another note to self: review HA4 at some point).

Is HA3 a good film? God no. A mediocre film? God no. A bad film? Yes.


There are so many plot inconsistencies, and if anyone in the cast had a brain, the movie would fall to shreds. So, that being said, let's look at it. It's also worth noting it's director Raja Gosnell's debut, which I might be able to forgive this movie, if it weren't for the fact he also directed the live action Scooby Doo, Big Mama's House and Never Been Kissed.

We open to our classic Home Alone theme, and our classic Home Alone style credits. Which is promising, for a little bit.

Naturally, because we're in a John Hughes movie, we're opening in Chicago suburb. I mean, Hong Kong.Criminal masterminds are discussing a microchip in which a person could essentially rule the world.

Which, brings me to my first, not so much a complaint about the movie, but just a general question.

There is an episode of The Fairly Oddparents in which our fairy obsessed teacher Mr Crocker is "cured" into not believing in fairies. But the magic of Fairy World is dependent on Crocker freaking out about fairies, so when he stops believing, Fairy World runs out of magic and plummets into Giant Bucket of Acid World.

Why in the world would you create just ONE micro chip that someone can control the world with? I'm sure one exists today, but wouldn't it make much more sense both practically and for security split everything up like Horocruxes, that way, maybe you have a CHANCE at catching the criminal before he finds ways to destroy the planet? I guess not.

We're now in Silicon Valley, California. Again, not Chicago. The criminals get the chip from some unknown guy, who will never be mentioned again, I assume he's in the military, since it's a military chip. Harry and Marv, I mean...Peter, Alice, Burton, and Earl. Sure. Hide the chip in a kid's toy car and head to the airport. Yeah, I don't see anything bad happening with that plan. And *drum roll* an old lady with an identical bag picks up the toy car by mistake, and guess where that lady is going? Finally, we see Chicago.

At about 8 minutes in, we're introduced to Kevin, I mean Alex. Sure. Who is shoveling Miss Hess' driveway, the woman who accidentally made off with the toy car with the chip inside.


And, Alex has the chicken pox. Which means no school, which means he can bug Mom all day, wanting things that even a sick child can get on their own.

So, the criminals, well Alice, anyway. Rents a nearby apartment, to be able to scope out the neighborhood better. She wears a wig, so she can't be discovered. Look, I understand wanting to be cautious, but you can't be discovered if no one knows who you are, and even if they do, I bet you'll take more precautions than simply putting on a diva wig anybody can find around Halloween.

Both parents have to work. Leaving him, HOME ALONE! Miss Hess, who is more of a grouch than Oscar the Grouch, would still make a decent babysitter when there's 4 criminals trying to steal a toy car, right? Okay sure, they don't know about the criminals yet, but Alex is still only about 8, most states have laws that say you can't leave a child home alone until a certain age, and I guarantee that age is older than 8.

Alex sees the criminals through his telescope and calls the police, but they get away before the police get there, and since nothing was taken, since they don't know which house the toy car is in, nobody believes him.

So, Mom has to go to work again the next day, and Dad has a business trip. Alex is left home alone again, and sees the criminals again. And calls the police again, but again they get away, and everyone, including his family, specifically his two siblings (one of which is a young Scarlett Johanson), make him the laughing stock of the entire neighborhood. Yeah, because your idea of a neighborhood watch is working out so well.

One of the criminals, can't get away in time, so he hangs his body horizontally from some rafters, and a cop LOOKS DIRECTLY UP AND MISSES HIM! Maybe we'd be better off Cheif Wiggum.

We get our first little bit of slapstick about 40 minutes in, when Alex rigs a toy car and a video camera to his tv to make a makeshift security device, but one of the criminals finds it, and tries to get the car, when he notices that it's the one with the chip, Alex floors the car, causing him to bump his head a few times, and stumble over the house, trying to catch the car, please. RC cars don't go fast enough that you couldn't catch one at even a walking pace.

Instead of calling the police, Alex calls inside the house where the criminal is, and has his brother's annoying as hell parrot talk to the answering machine as a distraction. Which honestly serves no purpose, because he's already distracted by a tv that Alex turned on with a universal remote. And now we have more slapstick with all four of the criminals trying to get the toy car that Alex drove outside the house, but it flipped on its side. ON ITS SIDE! IT'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE, JUST PICK THE THING UP.

They do, but Alex manages to get the car away from them, and opens it up to see if maybe what they wanted was inside, because no adult would have a need for a toy car, the chip falls out, and under a magnifying glass, he can read "US Air Force".

So, what does Alex do? Call the police? No. He calls the Air Force. Well, a recruiting office anyway.  Who naturally don't believe him, but take down the serial number anyway.

Alex doesn't start setting traps until about an hour into the film, after the criminals intercept a call to his mom, pretending to be Mom from school asking about a missing toy car, (which in turn, leads the criminals to Alex's house).

I think it's been mentioned before, but these traps are way too precise, if the criminals aren't standing in EXACTLY the right position, it won't work, but naturally, they are standing in EXACTLY the right position.

The criminals kidnap Miss Hess, who is walking over to babysit Alex (only after the mother leaves for about the tenth time) and tie her up in her garage. Leaving the door to back yard open, hoping she freezes to death, since this is a family film after all.

This time they aren't wearing disguises, really?

The Air Force, as in, not the recruiting office, gets word the the serial number on the chip, and while Alex pulls various booby traps on this (which are really just a rehash of the ones in the first one, none of which are worthy enough, or funny enough to be brought up with any detail), the Air Force heads to Chicago.

Another thing about the traps, in the first film, they were hidden pretty well, in this film. No, not so much, if the criminals would only use their brains and LOOK AROUND before walking around, they would clearly see that they're about to step in a Mega Blocks bucket full of rubber cement (Product placement, anyone?)

Alex pulls about the fifth switch-er-roo of the movie, and the head criminal, accidentally takes a Bubble gun, for this own.

Alex notices that the head criminal took his fake gun, picks up the real gun,, says "yikes" and throws it away. I'm not advocating gun violence, but Kid....there are 4 international terrorists in your house, I think a gun would do the job a lot faster than your booby traps.

The police come, and catch 3/4 criminals, but the head criminal gets away, like he has for the past 7 YEARS! All I'm saying is, if a kid can outwit a criminal, that you've been chasing for 7 years, you have a problem.

The parrot rides the toy car, into an igglo Alex made, the head criminal is hiding in it, there's also a ton of fireworks that Alex dumped in there, the parrot lights and match, and well....the boss isn't hiding for much longer.

And at the end of the film, the criminals get their mugshot taken, all with chicken pox.

Okay, so this film obviously doesn't compare in any way, shape, or form, to the first two, but it's loads better than the 4th, and I would imagine it's loads better than the 5th (which I have yet to see). But it will always remain a guilty pleasure of mine.

The jokes are lame, the writing is lame, the direction is mediocre at best, you can tell the stunts are fake, which makes some of the falls less funny. I would say, if you love the first film, skip 3,4, and 5. But if you kinda enjoyed the first film, 3 is just a rehash, jokes and all, so while you might not enjoy it as much as you did the first one, I don't think you'll loose anything on it. Other than a little over an hour and 45 minutes.

This film didn't add anything to the Home Alone franchise, but I'm not sure how it expected to. It took away what made Home Alone, Home Alone. (and I'm not just talking changing from "Kevin" to "Alex").