Jawbreaker (1999)

Welcome to That thing called Film. It's a review blog. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I feel the need to point out, since this is the first post. I like all genres of film. I don't really have a preference either. I can watch John Wayne one moment and James Bond the next. So, when it comes to reviewing, there is no rhyme or reason as to how I pick the movies. I have a list of movies, I plan to watch (and it's growing constantly). It simply depends on my mood, and what's on instant netflix and hulu.

Tonight, comes a selection from Hulu. 1999's Jawbreaker. I was pretty leery about this film. I seem to remember watching it as a teenager (I was only 7 when it came out, and I had no interest at the time about high school related movies). And thinking it was simply meh. That was until I saw Heathers, a far better "Kill the prom queen" movie.

I don't think it would come to shock anyone if I said that Jawbreaker, is more or less a ripoff of Heathers. In fact, the similarities are everywhere. Aside from the fact Heathers is a far superior movie. I've also heard it compared to Carrie, something I've never seen. But I might this time around.

I also think Rose McGowan has real talent, she just lands bad roles, and that's not limited to Jawbreaker. Bio-Dome, anyone? Maybe she needs a new agent.

Anyway, to the movie.

So, we're introduced to our characters. Julie(Rebecca Gayheart), Foxxy, (Julie Benz) and Courtney.(Rose McGowan) and briefly, Liz. However, it's Liz' 17th birthday, and she is gagged with a jawbreaker, and chokes....because Courtney thought it would be funny. Yeah, your movie is nothing like Heathers. Director Darren Stein, nothing.

And this is more of an aside, but the opening credits go on FOREVER. But, even more...the credits play over a rather obnoxious song, shows the creation of a jawbreaker. Which I feel is a little redundant.

Our setting is Ronald Regan High School. Where, during school hours Liz is still in the trunk of the car. Courtney calls the school, pretending to be Liz' parent, and says she has the flu. Mrs Sherwood (Carol Kane) needs to give Liz' homework to someone, but Courtney is late, so Mrs Sherwood gives it to Fern (Judy Greer).

So, now we must race to catch up with Fern. *Dun dun dun* and I forgot to mention, they're staging it to look like a rape. Come on people, (aka: Darren Stein, who also wrote the movie) they had tests for that even in 1999.

Fern, hears everything through a door. So in order to keep it a secret, Courtney agrees to make her popular through a weird makeover montage scene. Fern always wanted to be popular. I guess it was her name standing in the way.

"I'm Fern Mayo. As in hold the mayo." Is an actual line from the movie. I can't decide if that's lazy writing or not. But hey, it got a grin out of me.

However, they change her name is Vi-LET. Because a fern is a plant...or...something.

And that brings me to my first official complainant about this movie. The writing is terrible. And not just terrible like "Oh, the writer just couldn't get what he was trying to say across to the audience." No, it's terrible like "Oh, I smoked some weed and then wrote down the first thing that came to mind." Terrible.

So, Vi-LET loves the attention she's getting, but wonders if it's worth to keep something like "The pretty girls in my school killed the prom queen" a secret.

Well, someone got suspicious because DUN DUN DUN enter detective Vera Cruz  (Pam Grier). And questions "Satan in Heels" AKA: Courtney, and honestly....."Satan in Heels" isn't that far off. At least Wynonna Ryder felt sorry about what she did even if Christian Slater didn't. Neither Courtney or Foxxy feel bad. Julie felt bad enough she's now hanging out with the "Art geeks" and as a band kid, I take slight offense to that. Well, I might if the movie was better.

I will say Pam Grier is somewhat of a bad ass in this movie, and she's one redeeming quality for this movie. However, she doesn't come into the movie until it has 40 minutes left. So, I wouldn't try and watch the movie specifically for her.

Okay, so now I have another complaint about this movie. DOES ANYONE HAVE A FREAKING BRAIN?????

Mrs Sherwood begins to talk to Detective Cruz about Liz and the day she died, and mentions how Fern went home with her work. Mrs Sherwood mentions that Fern has been absent for several days now, and wonders if Fern could have killed Liz.

Lady, all that changed was Fern's hair from scraggly brown, to wavy blonde....it's not a big enough change that you can't tell that it's still Fern. Come to think about it, everyone seems to be fooled by the new hairstyle.

I don't have a face palm picture strong enough for how stupid this is.

And enter Tatyana Ali (AKA: Ashley Banks) as Brenda, who befriends Vi-LET, because Vi-LET knows Foxxy, or something. It really doesn't explain why she just randomly pops up, but at this point. I don't care. And Tatyana Ali's only role in this movie is to prove that she isn't Ashley Banks, which obviously didn't work.

Now we get to meet Zack (who's character wasn't cool enough to get a last name) played by Chad Christ. He and Julie have a big heartwarming discussion about how Julie's "gig" with Courtney and Foxxy was just a sideshow, and how horrible it is looking from the outside. I will say, it's a nice scene. However, it doesn't save the movie.

Courtney meets up with Detective Cruz again and mentions that Liz liked to have sex with strange men she should meet at bars. Apparently one of those men is Marylin Manson, (who was engaged to Rose McGowan in 1999). This scene serves no purpose, other than to get Marylin Manson on screen. Let's hear it for bad writing! 

, Julie tells Zack, whom she has been friends with forever and a day, but it didn't need mentioning, until ya know, plot convenience. Anyway, she tells Zack that Courtney killed Liz, and naturally Zack freaks out. Although, his expression is a little bland for someone who just found out a classmate is a cold blooded murderer. (However, that might explain why Chad Christ hasn't acted in anything since 2001, and that was a tv movie).

Vi-LET is apparently getting in the way of Courtney's queen-bee-ness, and Courtney threatens to kill her. Cause ya know, why not? However, nobody dies, except Vi-LET's reputation, where everyone finds out the truth, that she's Fern, and everyone makes fun of her. Come on people, first you fall for the makeover, (which is really just a hair-over) and now you're surprised she isn't some exchange student? 

Julie and Zack go see Detective Cruz, who says they have a male who was leaving Liz's house the day she was killed in custody, of course, this isn't true. Apparently....due to Julie's impeccable detective skills, she infer that Courtney got some random guy to masturbate into the sheets to look like she really was raped.

COME ON MOVIE! JUST DO A FREAKIN RAPE TEST! But no, that would require brains, which even our detective doesn't have. We might be better off with Wiggum. And that's saying something.

So, earlier in this blog I mentioned that the movie parallels Carrie. No, it mentions Carrie.

Julie: She has to pay for what she did.
Zack: We could go to prom.
Fern: And on the the way we could go to the slaughterhouse and get some pig's blood.

Yeah, that's it. Nothing special, and it's forced as hell.

And, along with our cast of cameos, the Donnas play themselves, as the band playing at prom. at least the music is good. Too bad there's dialogue over it. 

Even a crappy movie needs some sort of a climax, so here's ours. Liz's mom brings some items over she thought Julie might have wanted. What's the incriminating evidence? A recordable picture frame that taped Courtney saying "I killed her. I killed the teen dream, get over it." Not the best, but hey, this isn't a great movie.

So, what do Julie, Zack, and Fern do with the picture frame? Do they take it to Detective Cruz?  Of course not. That would make them smart. They blare it over the loudspeakers at prom while Courtney is giving her prom queen acceptance speech. Which I suppose could be a parallel to Carrie, not a good one. But one nonetheless.

And the movie ends with Fern saying "This is high school detective Cruz, what is a friend anyway?" Is Courtney arrested? No. Just shunned in front of the entire school, which is apparently worse.

I've often heard that this movie is a spoof of Heaters. No, it's a ripoff. In order to be a spoof, it would have to be funny. Unless you just really like ripoffs, don't bother with it. The lack of brain cells from all of our characters, is appalling, and the writing it terrible.

It got a 7% on Rotten Tomatoes, personally, I don't think it deserves that high.